I’m in the midst of juggling a dozen writing assignments at once, so I’m going to let someone else do the informative and witty writing on here today. A few choice quotes from Time Out Buenos Aires editor Matt Chesterton, who is doing a guest round of Buenos Aires reviews this week for HotelChatter. Like P.J. O’Rourke, Chesterton is one of those writers who will make you laugh out loud even if you disagree with every point he’s making. Here’s a gem of a slam on the Design Suites hotel:
Trust us, it lives down to its reputation. If you want to partake of the Design Suites experience, here’s a simpler, cheaper alternative: Break into an Ikea store at night with a microwave and a stale sandwich and try to get the security guard to bring you a glass of wine. You’ll end up spending the night in a police cell, which will still be more comfortable than a room at Design Suites. And you’ll get to make two phone calls without being billed for them.
And here are a few highlights from his guide to opening a boutique hotel in Buenos Aires:
A step-by-step guide to having your own boutique hotel in Buenos Aires
2) Throw out everything that isn’t avant-garde and trendy. The more comfortable a piece of furniture is, the more it needs to be thrown out.
4) Buy a shitload of bamboo. It doesn’t matter what you do with it but you have to have bamboo.
5) Call your six-year-old (he’s at boarding school now, remember). Get him to do you some paintings and send them back by DHL. Frame these and hang them in the lobby.
6) Put an advert in the local rag which reads ‘Waifs required to work in hotel reception. Previous experience disadvantageous. Must be able to look bored. Low pay.’ Employ the first two that turn up.
7) Eat a tin of alphabet soup. Wait a couple of hours. Excrete. The order in which the letters come out is the name of your hotel. If you get backed up, simply name your staggering work of heartbreaking genius after its street address.
8) Get someone to build a website. Use lots of Flash. Translate the Spanish original into complete gobbledegook.
I don’t think we’ll be reading Matt’s reviews in Travel & Leisure anytime soon, so catch them at HotelChatter to get the unvarnished dirt.